Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Monster Within

~by: Jess Mei

I recently read a post on another dissociate disorder blog where a person described being dissociative this way, "It’s like I’m in a dark room, swinging a sword, and then someone turns on a light and I see the blood and body parts of the people I love all around me.”

[ All0ness' Blog ]

To have to face the things inside us....the evil, the hatred, the shame, fear, and overwhelming sadness through the eyes of my kids was an eye-opener for me. They've seen my Monster... it has a name - Mom.

Sometimes I look at my kids and I don't recognize who they are. They may as well be strangers sharing my space with me. I don't feel any fear of them - but there is a definite indifference that let's me know that I'm having a co-consciousness experience with one of the alters who either doesn't acknowledge that I have kids or one that has no feelings towards them one way or the other.

As I get to know the others, I now understand that I wasn't the one who gave birth to my least I wasn't the one who took on the majority of the pain of childbirth. That certainly explains why I fell asleep in between contractions - and I mean they had to shake me awake. That particular alter is definitely indifferent towards the kids and doesn't like men AT ALL. But that alter alone isn't the Monster.

The Monster is like conglomerate rock - solid, but made up of very different parts. But unlike conglomerate rock, which is solid and stays together, we frequently disjoint and shatter. That is when the Monster shows itself. That is when people around me see the Monster within come out - filled with hatred, self-loathing, shame, angry, fear and sadness.

Follow Me on Twitter