The Monster Within

~by: Jess Mei

I recently read a post on another dissociate disorder blog where a person described being dissociative this way, "It’s like I’m in a dark room, swinging a sword, and then someone turns on a light and I see the blood and body parts of the people I love all around me.”

[ All0ness' Blog ]

To have to face the things inside us....the evil, the hatred, the shame, fear, and overwhelming sadness through the eyes of my kids was an eye-opener for me. They've seen my Monster... it has a name - Mom.



Sometimes I look at my kids and I don't recognize who they are. They may as well be strangers sharing my space with me. I don't feel any fear of them - but there is a definite indifference that let's me know that I'm having a co-consciousness experience with one of the alters who either doesn't acknowledge that I have kids or one that has no feelings towards them one way or the other.

As I get to know the others, I now understand that I wasn't the one who gave birth to my kids...at least I wasn't the one who took on the majority of the pain of childbirth. That certainly explains why I fell asleep in between contractions - and I mean they had to shake me awake. That particular alter is definitely indifferent towards the kids and doesn't like men AT ALL. But that alter alone isn't the Monster.


The Monster is like conglomerate rock - solid, but made up of very different parts. But unlike conglomerate rock, which is solid and stays together, we frequently disjoint and shatter. That is when the Monster shows itself. That is when people around me see the Monster within come out - filled with hatred, self-loathing, shame, angry, fear and sadness.

The Guilty Pleasure of Being Molested

~by: Jess Mei

Sometimes I hate myself so much, it is really incomprehensible. And I believe I now understand why. I remember having pleasure sometimes when I was molested, and I feel wrong for having had pleasure from it.

I remember one time getting molested and actually opening my legs more so that he could reach my bits better. I still feel him doing it, I still feel the pleasure I got from it, and damn it I still feel the amazing amount of guilt I have because of it. I wonder sometimes if that is why I didn't tell until I was an adult? Is it because I enjoyed it? Wanted it? God, I was just a little kid for pity's sake - in a home that was chaotic and confusing. But I can remember wanting him to touch me, for the attention and for the pleasure of having someone else stimulate me. But how can a child understand that really?


He used to expose himself to me and I'd run away. My heart would beat so fast, I was so scared. Then when I could go over to my cousin's house to get away, I'd go - and one of my cousins there would do the same thing to me. He even put me on my back a few times and tried to penetrate me. I think I was around 9 years old or so. I would just lay there, cause I didn't want him to hate me or hit me. I tried so hard to please everybody around me, to make sure they were okay. Nobody ever looked out for me though...and I never told anybody. Not anybody. I used to want somebody, ANYBODY to just read my mind, we'd be screaming in there - screaming for help, but no one ever heard us. So I had one who took it, and a few who hid everything. Hiding, always hiding.

We had to pretend that everything was fine. We had to pretend that we were not screaming and scared and tired of trying to make everyone and everything be okay. We had to pretend the fighting and violence didn't bother us. So each one took a job and executed it. One was brave and always smiled and laughed and joked; one went to school and did well - because if we didn't - we'd get beaten; one went to church 6 days a week and pretended we understood God when we didn't. One who always said, 'Yes Ma'am and no Ma'am' and obeyed her every command; one who stood very still while she blew cigarette smoke in our faces and taunted us for looking like our Father; one screamed with rage (but only inside) when we were burned with cigarettes at parties or burned with plastic by our brother; one was filled with hatred for all of them - every person who crossed our path...hatred for not helping us, hatred for beating us, molesting us, harming us, taunting us, teasing us, loving us; one who plotted revenge; and one who felt nothing at all. I live with the rage of being punished for being alive.I live with the rage for being loved. Such is the guilty pleasure of being molested.



I am so angry that I have such guilt and shame. I wonder so often how anyone could love me that I've pushed people away who actually do. But I don't understand WHY they could possibly love a dirty girl like me - I let them touch me. Sometimes I wanted it to happen. It was attention and it felt good, right? Such is the guilty pleasure of being molested.

A Call to Action or Not? What to do After Someone You Love Has Self-Harmed

After my latest episode with cutting (this is not my arm), I realize that most 'common folk' are just not equipped to know what to do, or even how to react to self-harming. I think it is interesting how some people act like they are actually offended when we self-harm. Like 'how could we put them in that situation'. I do try to look at other people's points-of-views, so I thought I'd try to give some pointers for loved ones of self-harmers. Please pardon me if I come off sounding like I have an 'us' versus 'everyone else' mentality. But unless you are a self-harmer - I really don't think you can understand. This is just generalized advice. First, let me see if I can shed some light on the 'why' of it.

1. It's not about you...its not about us, and its not about suicide, either.
Outsiders need to understand that self-harm doesn't have anything to do with them...that's why it is called 'self' harm. Most times it isn't even about us, the self-harmers. Sometimes it is about the pain; sometimes it is about the blood. Sometimes we self-harm to heal another part of ourselves. But it is almost never about suicide. We're not trying to kill ourselves. Trust me - we already know exactly how to do that. Self-harm isn't about suicide...even when we're suicidal.



2. Self-harm is full of symbolism.
The scarring, the blood, the act of self-harm it self is extremely symbolic for us. Sometimes we'll even write poetry about it. For me, this symbolism has nothing to do with Satan, God, or anything like that. For example, once I've used a particular razor to cut, I'll cut with it until I feel 'okay' again, then I'll discard that razor. I don't want to even touch it again. It has served its purpose. Now, that doesn't stop me from going and getting another one (I purchased a 100 pack of blades) - but I don't because that self-harming episode is over and I feel okay again.

3. Self-harm usually occurs when we are under a lot of stress and are frustrated.
Sometimes we cut because we want to express frustration but don't want to express it verbally. The cuts then become like little screams, a way to yell, let out that 'pressure', and not have to confront the source of the stress and/or frustration. Sometimes we cut when we feel like we're not being heard or understood. Whatever the reasons, the underlying cause is a great deal of stress and/or frustration.

Okay, so knowing all this, you as the bystander are supposed to do what exactly?

Here are the suggestions:

• Don't look at us like we're crazy. This is an addiction and coping mechanism...just like smoking.
  
• Don't jump to conclusions and assume that we're trying to kill ourselves. Dying a death by a thousand cuts isn't something we're interested in.
  
• Don't panic and try to remove our instruments of choice. That makes us feel like a child and when the next time comes up, we'll find something else to self-harm with. And because we would be self-harming with something less familiar, we risk potential fatal injury.
  
• If we want to talk about it, please - please just listen. Don't try to fix anything.
  
• If possible, help to keep the stress levels down.
• Keep a medical first aid kit handy. Be prepared to take us to the emergency room if the cuts need stitches and be willing to fight with us for humane treatment at the hospital.
  
• Don't crowd...give us some space to regroup.
  
• If we have DID, know that this cutting episode may be triggering or may have been a reaction to a trigger.
• If you see us wearing long-sleeved clothing in the middle of summer, don't make a big deal about it. More than likely, we are trying to hide our scars.
  
• Don't help us if we don't ask for it.
  

Basically, the best action to take is to just 'be' there...follow our lead. We usually find our voices after the self-harm and are able to articulate clearly how we will need your assistance and support.

Crisis

So, I cut today. I needed to see the blood well up and spill over and I didn't quit cutting until it did. The urge was on me heavy and none of the tips I tried from the list I posted earlier worked. I walked the dog and got out of the house. I knitted, I screamed but in the end - I cut.

This is my housemates first time with the urge...Urge...shouldn't it become a proper noun? I think so. I think it has earned that from the number of times it has coaxed and enticed us to self-harm. I had an HUGE, ugly argument/discussion with my ex. We said things we've wanted to say even before I ran away to Australia back in September.

I thought I started blogging to try to help others through my own experiences. Now, I know I started blogging because I needed you...every one of you who has ever visited this blog.

Tips for Significant Others of Multiples

Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder - or any dissociative disorder for that matter - can be HELL! I can only imagine what it must be like for those of you who live with us. Our actions are difficult to understand on the best of days and some times infuriating on other days (I know). For some of you, you've been living with a multiple for years and years and still haven't recognized the signs of it - or been introduced to the multiple's alters. I want to present you with some tips for living with your DID loved one in hopes that these tips might help you to navigate your way through the turbulent storm of DID.

1. Don't take it personal.
I set this one as #1 for a reason - you really cannot take what a multiple may say or do personally. I know this is easier said than done, but please try. You have to understand that while the body may be a certain age, we have young children, babies, inanimate objects, seniors, bee-bop young adults, and teenagers inside of us, and these alters can and do come out and control the body at times. Not all of these alters are pleasant - in fact some are downright mean and destructive. So sometimes you, as the significant other, will get targeted by these alters. I have one who hates everything and everyone and deeply resents the fact that anyone would or could love me.

2. Alters can and do mimic each other.
I'm not sure why this is - but it happens. I'd imagine it is just a game for the alter...to see if she/he can 'fool' the SO (significant other) or those that are around. Get to know some tell-tell indicators for the alters, so that no matter how much they joke around, you'll know with whom you're dealing with.

3. Be vigilant of reckless behavior.
Some people with DID will engage in fast, reckless driving, over-indulgence in alcohol or recreational drugs, gambling, and other general risky behavior. It isn't that we necessarily think we are invincible, it is generally because we simply don't care. Or one (or more) alters in control of the body at the time don't care. I must also say that more than 1 alter can not only behave this way, but also develop addictions because of it. Imagine trying to quit smoking when more than 1 of you is addicted to nicotine. I mean, how do you know if the others want to quit? My SO has alters who come out, smoke his cigarette, then leave. He still wants to have a cigarette himself, so he lights up again. Can you see the difficulty in this?


4. People with DID LOVE to play mind games.

We tend to be extremely secretive and are generally distrusting of others. This is a fact that has nothing at all to do with love or the foundation on which the SO relationship is built upon. We will 'try' the SO and will most often test your love and commitment to us. This is primarily where the mind games come in, but not always. We absolutely HATE to be manipulated and recognize it quickly and will sometimes turn the tables on the manipulator so that they become the manipulated.

5. Be patient when it comes to making love.
Sometimes we act 'weird' with sex and we don't even know why. Sometimes we get triggered (it could be a smell, a touch, a position, a 'look' in the eyes of the SO - anything) and off we go to whatever memory of a past event that got triggered. We might be able to work through it then and there, but sometimes, it might take days, weeks, months (or more) for us to recover. 1 step forward, 20 steps back - but as long as you don't give up on us, I think we'll make it.

6. We need PLENTY of alone time.
So, don't get upset when we take it. If you think about it, we could literally be on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific and not truly be 'alone'. There is an entire group of us there in the 1 system, talking, screaming, crying, and watching. Some people in every day life come home and turn on the TV because they need the background noise. I stay at home all day without one on because I don't want to add anymore to the chaos already going on inside the system.

7. Sometimes, people with DID come off as indecisive.
Most times, we're not really. We're just trying to get a consensus from more than 1 person inside the system. This indecisiveness shows up for me most when deciding about where to eat and what to eat. As the host personality, I tend to mediate most times within the system, but this isn't easy by any stretch of the imagine. YOU try getting more than 3 people to agree on any 1 thing! As the SO, please allow us to change our minds without reprimand and know that in general, we want to please those around us, especially our SO - and when you reprimand us, it hurts so deeply. And please don't take our ability to choose away.

8. We Lie - A LOT.
I don't know if this is rolled into our need for mind games, secrecy or what, but we lie, omit the truth, stretch the truth, hide the truth, make stuff up - whatever you want to call it - we do more than our share of it. I honestly can't even remember all the lies I've told or why I told them. Was it to make myself more interesting? Was it to keep someone out of our business? I do remember lying a few times because I couldn't remember doing what I was accused of having done. I have also lied and said I recognized someone who clearly knew 'me', when I didn't. We hide; we lie. And as the SO - just know this going into a conversation that a DID person may (or may not) be completely forthcoming might be helpful to you. Sometimes, alters come out, drop the lie and leave whoever is out to deal with the fallout. This can be extremely frustrating for everyone concerned. I have personally stood by, watched the body's mouth moving, heard the words coming out, knew what was said were lies and couldn't stop it from happening. I got depressed knowing that eventually, I'd have to come out and try to untangle things.

9. Sometimes - we cheat.
And I don't mean 'lust in our hearts' cheat, either.
This is closely related to the reckless behavior point made earlier. We engage in on-line affairs and real life affairs. Sometimes it is more than one alter engaging in this sorted behavior as well. As the SO, I advise you to please be vigilant. If it looks like a duck, it probably is one...maybe even two or three. Even if the person you married would NEVER do something like cheat - bear in mind that she/he isn't the only one in the system. There are oft times alters of both genders within the system who don't have the same value system as your beloved. She/He may not even be consciously aware of what has occurred. Which brings me back to point #1 - please don't take it personal. If you're willing to work through these issues and stand by us, we will too.

On a personal note, I want to say that because of all of these various behaviors and different alters, I generally hate myself. I don't like the way that 'I' behave at times and I look at the behavior (and myself) with great disdain. I wish it were a matter of improving my impulse control, but it is so much more than that. So, I have taken a personal stand to not do things that would increase my feelings of self-loathing.

I hope these tips have given you, the Significant Other, some insight into our world. If you'd like to add another tip - please do so in the comments and I'll incorporate it into the blog.

FREE EFT World Summit Event

If you will recall, I previously mentioned Emotional Freedom Technique as a resource for relieving symptoms for PTSD and other daily stresses. Nick Ortner is offering a free online event called the EFT World Summit. Nick believes that anyone can 'tap away' anything and he stands by his motto of 'try it on everything'. Here is the info on the Summit. Hope to 'see' you there.

*** *F*R*E*E* Online Event from Nick Ortner ***


Go here to see a video from Nick Ortner, producer of the
Try It On Everything documentary, introducing the EFT World
Summit:
http://www.tryitoneverything.com/cmd.php?Clk=2944704

His original idea was to put on a
live event but I think he realised he could reach more
people online - and could also make it free. :)

Nick has the best EFT gurus on board - Carol Look, Dr.
Patricia Carrington, Brad Yates, Bob Doyle, Carol Tuttle,
16 in all.

Head over and check it out:
http://www.tryitoneverything.com/cmd.php?Clk=2944704

I don't think anyone has ever put together this amount of
EFT material from different experts before, it's 9 days of
online seminars twice a day. I'm really looking forward to
it.

Featured Resource - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

I get so sick and tired of people who know about my DID telling me - in a voice like I have a knife - 'You're safe now. You don't have to do what you do anymore...the dissociation. You're all grown now.' Um... yeah - if there were a switch, I would have turned it off before I lost my damned job and my family! I am constantly looking for different things that I can do to help us not necessarily integrate, but certainly have consistent co-consciousness and to that end, I ran across EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing.

The premise behind EMDR is to have several physical things going on at the same time that cognitive therapy is occurring. Some therapist will have the patient follow their finger as they move it from side to side while continuing on with something similar to exposure therapy - having the patient relive the trauma. This technique has proved to be most effective with those suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

There is some general controversy to using this on DID patients and some of the controversy in using EMDR for those with DID fall in line with the current movement of some mental health professionals to get DID removed from the upcoming DSM-V, and the controversy is this - because of the high hypnotic susceptibility of DID patients, skeptics question whether EMDR practitioners wouldn't involuntarily (or voluntarily) place false memories into the minds of DID patients during the EMDR exercise.

Honestly, I don't know - but I'd be willing to sit and follow a finger like a cat follows a ball dangling from yarn if it meant I'd get better and be able to get back out into society - whole and without the irrational fears that seem to have me paralyzed and so isolated. Now to find a therapist who 1. Acknowledges DID and 2. Practices EMDR and 3. Is willing to use it on a non co-conscience DID patient who looses time like people loose socks in the dryer.

Wish me luck?

10 Tips to Avoid Self-Harm and Cutting

I know I can't be the only one who has to fight the urge to cut. Sometimes, I win; sometimes I end up with a mess to clean up and a few cuts to hide. I can't make up my mind if the reason I cut is because I just want to feel something, anything - or if I want the release of the blood. Honestly, I think it is both for me. Your reason for self-harm is your own...I can only speak about myself in this as self-harm is just so.....personal. I haven't cut in a while I'm happy to say, but I get the urge to do so more often than I'd care to admit. I know self-harm is a very strong urge to resist, so here are 10 tips to help resist the urge. Some are tried and true; some I haven't tried yet but think they might work. I believe that the self-harm urge (particularly cutting) is like cancer - it never goes away, but it can go into remission.

Before we begin, know the Self-Injurer's Bill of Rights, so if you end up cutting or self-harming, you know your rights when you are being treated for your injuries. So without further delay:

1. Get up and move.
Put your sneakers on and run, jog, run-in-place, do some Pilates, run up and down your staircase at home - just get yourself moving. The endorphins released by physical exercise might help decrease the urge. If you find that after a few minutes, you're still feeling the urge, push your body physically a little more. Add a shout and some arm waving to whatever you're doing. What you're trying to do here is release that build-up of internal pressure...that urge - without self-harming.

2. Scream.
Yes, that's right - scream. Throw your head back and let 'er rip. Scream out all that internal pressure, scream out your pain - scream, scream, scream! This works best (of course) if you're alone. I scream sometimes in the car when I'm driving. I try not to do it at a stop light (cause the people in the cars next to you will think you're nuts), but honestly - since you'll probably never see those people again, who cares what they think?

3. Write in your journal.
If you have a journal, use it. Write out the feelings that can't be expressed verbally. Even being numb is a feeling. What would things be like for you if you could feel? When you allow yourself to feel, it is too painful to deal with so you'd rather face physical pain than emotional - I get it; but can you face the emotional pain by writing some of all of it down? Do you cry? Write about it. Allow the others to come out and write as well. Just for a few minutes, open yourself up on paper. Let it out. Sometimes when I do this, I'll burn the written words after wards...just too personal - even for myself. Be careful with this one, though. Sometimes, others inside will really resent your writing things down and may give you massive headaches.

4. Arts and Crafts.
Here lately, I've been playing around with crocheting and knitting not only to fight the urge to cut, but also as a stress reliever. Some times I need to crochet a bit before I can post to this blog because the mere fact that I've created this blogspot in and of itself is sometimes very triggering for me. You don't have to be creative or even particularly artistic to do crafts. Get yourself a 'how-to' on a craft you'd like to learn and dive in. If you already have experience - pull out your materials and have fun. Singing a song you enjoy can also help.

5. Call a friend or your therapist.
Phone a friend and gossip, or talk about the latest fashions. Men, call and talk about sports or whatever you and your friend have in common that isn't related at all to self-harm. Go meet up for a cup o' coffee or something. Going to see a movie would work as well. Be comfortable enough with this friend that if you need to walk out on a movie that is triggering, you can do so without it being a big deal.

6. Watch some comedy.
It is true that laughter is the best medicine. Laughter also releases endorphins that might help with relieving some of the internal pressure. When I'm feeling depressed I'll seek out comedy. When I feel like cutting, I do the same thing. And I stay away from my razor blades. I use them to arch my eyebrows (no hate mail please...plucking takes too long). I also use them for cutting, so although most times they are used to keep my uni brow under control, I'm not kidding myself about them, either.

7. Interact with your pet.
Pets are wonderful for giving unconditional love. I used to wrap my arms around my dog's neck and just hug her. She'd lick my arm or hand and just stand there leaning into me until I let her go. Find comfort in your pet. Play with her, give her a tickle. Show her the love you don't feel at the time and she's pay it forward to you tenfold.

8. Pray, meditate and positive affirmations.
I don't know your religious bend, or even if you are spiritual, but sometimes prayer and meditation can help relief the urge to cut and self-harm. I used to walk a labyrinth sometimes during my lunch hour when I worked. It helped to calm the system and decreased the urge to cut. You can create a labyrinth in your home on the floor without putting a pattern down. Just take slow, purposeful steps in whichever pattern you find smoothing. Breath in deeply as your heel makes contact with the floor and exhale when the ball of your foot makes contact with the floor. Alternate and just continue to deep breath.

9. Create a contract with yourself (selves).
Draw up a written contact that you sign and commit yourself to that creates a reward system for not self-harming and cutting. For example, create a time line reward system that says, 'if you go without cutting or self-harm for 3 months, you will reward yourself with a $50.00 spending spree to Victoria Secret'. With the time line reward system, the longer you go without cutting, the larger the reward. Perhaps your 1 year anniversary of not cutting or self-harm could be a trip to the Bahamas. Be creative with this, but make it something that's realistic to your budget and personal living situation.

10. Instead of a razor, use a red marker.
Or some body paint. Take a non permanent red marker, and put the same marks on your body that you would have with the razor. For me, sometimes I just need to see the blood - you know? With a marker, you can draw blood WITHOUT drawing blood. And once the urge passes, you can just wash that 'pain' away and feel okay in knowing that you don't have new scars forming on your body.

One final note. If you do end up cutting, don't think you can't start over and try some of these tips again. Just find something that works AT THAT MOMENT so that you don't self-harm or cut and be willing to switch it up and be creative.

{{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}}}}

Featured Resource - Emotional Freedom Technique

This week, I am featuring one resource that I have found particularly beneficial in decreasing - if not at times completely getting rid of my symptoms of PTSD and depression. This resource is called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). It is a form of acupressure that involves the emotions and the internal ‘Life Force’ (Chi, Chakras).

We all know that dissociative disorders begin in the mind and manifest themselves through various physical ways including insomnia, anxiety, arrhythmia, depression, high blood pressure, and migraines – just to name a few. Well, in the past – like most of you – I have gone to the doctor to be treated for these ailments…all of which are just symptoms of my various dissociative disorders. The cause of these physical illnesses were never really addressed (partly my fault of course).

I don’t know about you, but I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wasn’t getting anywhere fast with my therapist (I didn’t want to relive my trauma), and my psychiatrist just continued to increase the dosage on my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication – which did little to reduce the constant manifestations of other physical symptoms from my psyche. I was even prescribed pretty heavy-duty anti-seizure medication for migraine and absence seizures. I was taking medication to pick me up, bring me down, make me sleepy, keep me awake, give me diarrhea, make me constipated, push me/pull you, back and forth adjusting dosages - until one day, I’d simply had enough! I told my therapist that I wanted to stop treatment...such as it was (again, I’m taking responsibility for the non-progress of therapy) and began searching for alternatives. After looking through a hoard of mental health listings in my local area, I began to notice that some therapists offered EFT. I didn’t know what it was, so I looked it up online and was instantly intrigued.

I eventually came across a website for Gary Craig – the person who ‘created’ the EFT method, but I noticed that his materials were out of my price range and targeted at mental health professionals. I continued to search and found Steward Robertson’s course called EFT Total Immersion training. In a word – the price was right and I was so fed up with the medication I was on, I figured I didn’t have anything more to lose – so I ordered it.

Now, I have to say that I felt like a fool sitting around tapping myself here and there, saying the affirmation that was called for, but heavens help me – I didn’t want to continue to be a zombie and ‘pill popper’, either. And, I can say that I didn’t notice anything particularly different after my first session, my body was a little tender around the points that I’d tapped, due to me constantly tapping them for 10 minutes, but other than that – nada. The next time I applied the technique, however – I could immediately begin to feel relief from the migraine I had. It was terrific, especially since I’d been terrified of making it worse by tapping on my head and face.

I've had many successful sessions since then, and am first-hand testament that EFT works – and not just on migraines, either. It has helped me release some mental pain associated with my disorders and the nice thing about the EFT Total Immersion training program is it is a complete training program, not just those bits and pieces I saw on Youtube. I typically did my tapping in the bathroom so others at home wouldn’t see because as I said, I did feel rather silly about it.

For some it isn't a cure all, but if you continue to tap, it does provide you with some relief. Depending on what you're tapping, and how often you tap it, you may be able to rid yourself of certain undesirable habits and behaviors permanently.

10 Daily Tips for Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

As I said in the beginning, this site is just as much for you as it is for me. So as per your request [thank you for leaving your kind words], here are some tips on reducing the headache of living with dissociative identity disorder (DID). There really are no hard and fast rules for 'dealing' with it unfortunately, since what worked well yesterday might not today and what works for one personality, might not work for the others. So, knowing all that - here are 10 general tips for living with DID on a daily basis. The number one thing to remember with all this is - Be Flexible.

1. If you drive, get yourself a GPS (global positioning system)
Depending on how fragmented you are, which of the alters drive, and what's going on inside the 'system' (is it chaotic? calm? is everyone mostly working together?) sometimes, the body ends up across town - or worse halfway across the state (or further) before you realize it. Here's how it goes - one minute you're standing in your kitchen cooking dinner or talking to your significant other; *blink your eyes* and the next minute you're behind the wheel of your car without a CLUE as to where you are going, why you're there, or how to get back. Program the GPS for home first thing. Just last week this [psychogenic fugue] happened to me, and I ended up near the Canadian border!

2. Put up an internal whiteboard or keep an external notebook.
One of the most important things you can do to try to keep some sort conscious continuity between your parts is to make it mandatory that all of you keep notes in some central notebook or internal whiteboard. Because we tend to lose time due to personalities switching, it is vital that detailed notes are kept. Some people are able to keep an internal 'whiteboard' where the alters write notes of important things they've done or committed to (doctor's appointments, dates, exams); others keep an external notebook that everyone writes in. I've been able to make both available though the whiteboard gets neglected.

3. Let people around you know how to call out your more cooperative personalities - just in case.
Sometimes when the system is in chaos or is having a panic attack, it is helpful that someone around you that you trust is able to call out a calming personality - one that will get things under control for the system. But only do this if you're comfortable and trust the person; otherwise, the 'shout out' won't do any good. In fact, it might trigger a protector [potentially violent alter].

4. Secure your funds.
Understand that there are more than just you spending your money and wanting to spend your money. So, if you have bills to pay, pay them first as soon as you have money. Better yet - have the bills on autopay or try to pre-pay them so that you don't have as much debt. That way - the bills get paid whether you remember or not. Make sure that your financial responsibilities and living requirements are taken care of straight away, so that if someone spends your money, it won't effect your lifestyle. Try to never have your ATM card on you and see if you can set up a two-signature check writing arrangement with your bank. Just going into knowing that there is a big chance that someone will drain your bank account by purchasing things you personally don't need or want, but they may take a fancy to.

5. Have a place for important papers or unexpected documents (traffic tickets, IRS notices, etc.) and make sure that everyone in the system knows to have a look at that place when they are out.
This falls in line with trying to keep as close to a continuous consciousness as possible. Not all alters are considerate or care to cooperate with the others; Some are extremely reckless, in fact. Make sure you keep all your documents in one place; here's a real life example of why. Imagine you're in your car and for whatever reason, you get pulled over and find out you have outstanding tickets and a warrant. That would annoy even the most gentlest of people. Something similar to this happened to me. So, make sure you keep your papers in the one place - no matter how horrible (I've had some alters hide documents from the rest of us). This is a tough tip to adhere to as you'll have to get the others to agree and not hide stuff. Be willing to be a mediator.

6. Keep an emergency contact phone number (next of kin) in your purse, wallet, and/or cellphone.
Even people without DID should have this information handy. For those of us with DID though, it is also important that we have the contact information of our psychiatrist and/or therapist or treatment facility.

7. Set up a safety network for yourself in case of a panic attack or similar emergency.
It is so important to have a support team when you have DID. Your team might include your significant other, understanding friends, your therapist, even your child. It is also important for me to say that it isn't always necessary that any of these people know that you have DID, either. People that care about you will assist you anyway they can and most times - without asking a lot of questions. Seek out those people you can trust and build your safety network from there.

8. Keep all prescription drugs secure and keep a journal of when you take them.
Unfortunately, there are alters who are suicidal and who hate the body in general and hate all the other personalities as well. At some point, these alters do come out and sometimes harm the body either by putting it in dangerous situations, by self-mutilating, or attempted drug overdose. So, it is best to keep the drugs in a location that these alters don't know about. It is also a very good idea to keep a log of when you take your medication. Otherwise, if an alter comes out and doesn't know you've already taken your required dose, that alter may take another dose as well.

9. Become a good actor/actress.
Learn how to 'play it off' when someone comes up to you that you've never met and acts as if you two are good friends. These people may be strangers to you, but could be best friends with one of your alters. You simply do not know because you did not have co-consciousness during the interaction with that person. So, become a good actor and/or actress when this occurs. Use your judgment with this one - I mean - you know a creeper when you see one, right? There's a difference. Just be careful.

10. Be prepared to have your child alters come out at Toys -R-Us and other places.
If you have child alters, be kind to them and have some things for them to play with around the house. I learned this the hard way when while at Toys-R-Us, one of my child alters came out, grabbed a toy and went running down the aisle with it - footloose and fancy free (at least that is what I was told later). Mind you - I'm a 42 year old woman. I don't have stuffed animals. I don't even have board games - yet there was the body running and playing. So, now I have a few toys at home and I have 'the talk' with my child alters before I go out to the mail or to the grocery store as I got really tired of finding sweet cereal and toys in the shopping cart at checkout time.

I do hope these tips will be helpful for you. Let me know if you have questions.

Featured Resource - the Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy

This week's featured resource for dissociative disorders is the Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy (WIIT). This facility is located in sunny Hollywood, Florida and is directed by Dr. William Tollefson, who has over seventeen years experience in treating various types of trauma, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and dissociative disorders. Dr. Tollefson is surrounded by and excellent team of highly trained mental health professionals who take a vested interest in the well-being of the patients.


The therapy approach used at the Institute is called Incorporation Therapy. According to the information sheet of the Institute, Incorporation Therapy is a proactive approach to the stabilization of the internal crisis and chaos that is the hallmark of those suffering from dissociative disorders.

The Institute not only treats the disorders, but takes the time to educate the patient about why the patient processes life the way she does. That just is not done in most treating facilities of this type, making the Institute unique in the one respect; however, the Institute is truly unlike most treating facilities in several ways including but not limited to:

1. All patients are voluntarily admitted - that means no one is 'committed' to the Institute
2. No restraints of any kind are used - ever
3. No one forces you to recall buried traumatic memories
4. A contract is signed between therapist and patient and the patient takes an active part in her own treatment
5. The therapists are educators as well as facilitators of treatment
   

The list could go on. Patients are made to feel safe, secure and supported at the Institute from the moment they enter - and we know just how important that can be as we work at building the bridge between surviving and living.

We have survived; now it is time to LIVE. Please consider receiving treatment at WITT.

Incorporation Therapy is a process

• Facilitate the connection of the emotional

and cognitive systems.

• Defuse the pain that was fused with

past negative images.

• Rescuing the lost parts of self.

• Forgiving and Accepting Self.

Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy

*T* Ritual Abuse - Causes of Dissociative Disorders - Part 1 *T*-

Before I begin, I would like to warn anyone reading this that the following post might be triggering. I'll always surround the titles of my posts with '*T*' when I know it might be triggering. That way, you can chose right from the start to pass over the post if you're not ready. What I've decided to do is cover some specific causes of trauma from which some might development a dissociative disorder - one posting at a time.

RITUAL ABUSE

The What of It?
[Definition]: The very general (and narrow) definition of Ritual Abuse is sustained, sadistic abuse of a person (usually a child) in a secretive, methodical method that usually includes mind control. This abuse is used to perpetuate certain group ideologies.

Dissociative disorders have a root cause in trauma. Two people might experience the exact same traumatic event but only one might develop a dissociative disorder behind it. Just like no two people are exactly alike, here to no two people process trauma exactly the same way. Let's take a look at one form of trauma the almost guarantees the development of dissociative disorders - Ritual Abuse - also known as Cult Related Abuse (CRA), Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA), and Occult Ritual Abuse (ORA). Dozens of police departments around the world have special tasks forces that deal only with these types of crimes including Los Angeles, San Diego, Richmond, Virginia, and Salt Lake City. The complete list is extensive. And there are four states that have laws that address ritual abuse specifically - Louisiana, Idaho, Texas and Illinois.

All over the world though, ritual abuse is being committed in the name of Christianity, Satanism, White Supremacy, Santeria, Paganism, almost any social movement or religion can be used as a reason; however, the most common religion ritual abuse is associated with is Satanism.

Physical and psychological abuse are common in ritual abuse and can come in the form of torture, burnings, beatings, confinement, forced sexual intercourse with both parents and other non-parental adults, deceit and other mind games... anything the demented the mind can create can and sometimes is done to the child. This abuse is always accompanied with trickery, deceit and always - always blame.The child's sense of self is completely torn down and rebuilt as the abusers sees fit. Along the way, the child is lead to believe that the abuse is their own fault, further degrading the self-worth. Sometime the child is penetrated with religious items and other ritualistic items and is forced to drink and eat blood, urine and feces. The ritual abuse occurs often and that the child will develop some type of dissociation is a given.

For more information about ritual abuse, please go to:

http://newsgroups.derkeiler.com/Archive/Sci/sci.psychology.misc/2008-09/msg00003.html

Different Types of Dissociative Disorders

First - let me say that I'm no expert. I'm just one woman who went searching for answers to this 'thing' that has both saved my life and changed it so profoundly.

There is a term for the progression of dissociation called the Dissociative Continuum. The presence of this continuum is now widely accepted by those psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers who are familiar with dissociative states. Let's take a look at this together. I will present them from least to greatest - in terms of the dissociation only. In no way am I minimizing the impact of any of the disorders.

I. Psycogenic Amnesia
[Definition]: A sudden inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to merely explain away by normal forgetfulness and is not associated with an organic mental disorder (like Alzheimers Disease).

There are 4 classifications psychogenic amnesia:

1. Localized - where all memory is loss that occurred in a specific period of time
   
2. Selective - where some, but not all memory is loss of events that occurred during a specific period of time
3. Generalized - where memory of important events that occurred over the course of life is loss
4. Continuous - where all memory is loss for the entire past and the memory loss continues into the present
   

Psychogenic Amnesia is the most common form of dissociative disorders and appears to be caused by either blunt trauma to the head or as response to an immediate traumatic event.

II. Psychogenic Fugue
[Definition]: A sudden act of traveling far away from home or place of work, and having no recall of doing so or why. Many assume a new identity or personality trait completely uncharacteristic of the 'norm'.



Research has shown that this new identity is usual really 'free-loving' and less inhabited than the 'normal' identity. This dissociative disorder does not include those moments when we all drive from point A to point B without recalling the road or things around us. Those occurrence fit better in the Psycogenic Amnesia category. It appears that people who suffer from psychogenic fugue states have no memory of the actions and experiences done while the 'free-loving' personality is present.

III. Depersonalization Disorder
[Definition]: The chronic experience of a profound loss of sense of self, of feeling unreal - as if in a dream. The experience of feeling like your are completely outside of yourself.



People who have depersonalization disorder have memories that feel like dreams that sometimes cannot be recognized as real versus fantasy. They can easily tell themselves that certain real life experiences didn't happen because they [the memories] feel like dreams. Because of the ability of the person who has depersonalization disorder to mentally step outside of self, past memories can be seen as occurring to someone else. The onset of this disorder is abrupt; however recover can be very slow.

IV. Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS)
[Definition]: This is a bit of a 'catch all' category for any dissociative behavior that doesn't fit solidly in the definition of the other categories. There is still marked dysfunction in memory, identity and consciousness.



V. Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) (formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD))
[Definition]: The presence of at least two distinct personalities within the body of one person.


People with DID typically display symptoms of other categories of dissociation. People tell of loss time, amnesia, profound feelings of being outside of self, and hearing internal dialogs that are not those of the primary identity. DID is a chronic, but allegedly treatable disorder. This dissociative disorder holds the most societal stigma than the others and if often mistaken for Schizophrenia - a disorder that can be controlled with drug therapy.

From everything that I have read thus far, there are no medications specific to treating DID. Drugs are given to assist with symptoms of things like insomnia, depression, and anxiety; however these drugs cannot address the disorder itself.

In my next post, I will speak about various forms of trauma that cause dissociative disorders. Until then, friends.

My Personal Story and Diagnosis of Dissociative Disorders

Sometimes, it takes a major triggering event for dissociative disorders to present themselves. For me, my triggering event was a cancer scare in December 2006. After two follow-ups, that included ultrasounds, barium imaging, MRIs, etc. - I was given a clean bill of health. But you see, during the wait time between me seeing the doctor and getting the clean bill of health, I was faced with my own mortality, and my life flashed before my eyes - such as it was.

I began having horrible nightmares and flashbacks of images of abuse and molestation that I'd already known about to some degree, but now was seeing in detail. I had frequent anxiety attacks and had migraines everyday - all day for weeks on end. My concentration and memory decreased significantly. Yes, sometimes I spaced out, showed little or showed no emotion, had bouts of insomnia - but who doesn't, right? I often found myself in places and didn't remember how I'd gotten there, and I began to lose time...sometimes only a few minutes, sometimes whole days at a time. I mentioned several times to my husband that I suspected I had Alzheimer's, and I even mentioned it to my family doctor, who ruled it out because of my age.

In the past, I'd already been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (c-PTSD) and had undergone behavioral and drug therapy for it. THIS was something all together different. One voice that I heard internally pretty often I'd nicknamed 'Chatterbox' because of her incessant talking had suddenly become several voices, some male - some female - some childlike. At first, I thought that it was all just my subconscious, especially one female voice that constantly berated me; but I noticed that these voices spoke even when I wasn't intentionally trying to get them to do so. I had my own thoughts, and apparently they had theirs.

In the midst of all this internal chaos, my marriage was falling apart. How could I explain to my husband what I was hearing, seeing in flashback, and remembering? What would he think of me and my family if he were told. I didn't want him to look at me with disdain. I was ashamed...scared and ashamed. I asked him for time for me to sort through all this new chaos, these new and horrible thoughts, the voices. I needed time. In the end, I waited too long. He moved out and although we tried to work things out - it just wasn't possible.

Things were progressing and severely impacting my employment. I suffered from migraines so severe, they were giving me small seizures. When I'd turn my lights off in my office, my superiors were told I presented an image of being unavailable. All I was trying to do was remain at work. I was eventually prescribed a medication that served the dual purpose of helping minimize the occurrence of migraines and stopping seizures. Fun stuff boys and girls!

Months had gone past, there I was trying to hold down a top management position while not remembering what I'd said or committed to the day before or finding myself in a meeting without a clue as to what the meeting was about. I'd find stick-it notes on my computer screen with a name of a colleague or superior, and a time and sometimes the date. So, I had to gleam from this half-written note what I was suppose to do 'with', 'for', - whatever this person. Ultimately, I'd either completely miss the missing (in cases where the stick-it stopped sticking and fell under my desk) or I'd show up completely unprepared. My job performance plummeted. I lost the minute respect I'd earned from my peers, superiors, and staff. Hell, if they had bothered to point and laugh, I don't think I would have remembered why they were doing it. I was eventually asked to resign from my position still without knowing what was truly going on with me.

The voices were non-stop now since I was no longer employed and they had plenty to say. I was blamed for allowing the molestation occur. I was shamed for knowing that at times - what was being done to me my body responded to positively. I'd never been so suicidal in all my life. But god help me - I didn't want to seek professional counseling because I just knew - knew the person would want to put me away in a 'nut house', so I endured...day after day, week after week - panic attacks, heart palpitations, nightmares, daymares, and internal criticism the likes of which I had never experienced before. I hit rock bottom one evening when I picked up a razor blade and starting cutting. Each cut felt like a small scream - a shout to god, a plea for relief and I cried and cried deeply - finally for myself, my kids, my husband, my childhood.

The next day, I was able to get in to see a clinical psychologist who specialized in trauma. I played games with her, but can't tell you why. I'd arrive late to every session, sometimes as much as 20 minutes late. After a few sessions though she diagnosed me with severe depression, depersonalization disorder, c-PTSD, and Dissociative Disorder, not otherwised specified (DDNOS). After a series of particularly bad sessions where we'd started talking about my mother, I flipped out on her and she refused to continue our therapy sessions. I never did tell her about the voices.

It was more than 4 months later when I finally tried to reach out again. I found a therapist who specialized in dissociative disorders and trauma. She was very cool in her manner, not falling for my 'usual' bag of tricks. I told her of a particularly horrible memory, that with past therapists - would have their mouths gapping open. Not this gal. She called me a survivor and asked me how she could be of service to me. I started answering her question and the next thing I know, she was handing me tissue and directing me to try to re-ground myself in the present. She gave me some exercises that I still use today to help with re-focusing my consciousness, quieting the voices. In her diagnoses, she agreed with the previous therapist on everything except one - she diagnosed me with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

So that's my story in a nutshell. Currently, I know of at least 10 others all living inside us. We've survived because we had each other. Now we have to Live.

Check in with me daily - I'll be posting some useful tips that I learned from my therapist, as well as other helpful websites and information specific to dissociative disorders.

Together - we can LIVE.