A Call to Action or Not? What to do After Someone You Love Has Self-Harmed

After my latest episode with cutting (this is not my arm), I realize that most 'common folk' are just not equipped to know what to do, or even how to react to self-harming. I think it is interesting how some people act like they are actually offended when we self-harm. Like 'how could we put them in that situation'. I do try to look at other people's points-of-views, so I thought I'd try to give some pointers for loved ones of self-harmers. Please pardon me if I come off sounding like I have an 'us' versus 'everyone else' mentality. But unless you are a self-harmer - I really don't think you can understand. This is just generalized advice. First, let me see if I can shed some light on the 'why' of it.

1. It's not about you...its not about us, and its not about suicide, either.
Outsiders need to understand that self-harm doesn't have anything to do with them...that's why it is called 'self' harm. Most times it isn't even about us, the self-harmers. Sometimes it is about the pain; sometimes it is about the blood. Sometimes we self-harm to heal another part of ourselves. But it is almost never about suicide. We're not trying to kill ourselves. Trust me - we already know exactly how to do that. Self-harm isn't about suicide...even when we're suicidal.



2. Self-harm is full of symbolism.
The scarring, the blood, the act of self-harm it self is extremely symbolic for us. Sometimes we'll even write poetry about it. For me, this symbolism has nothing to do with Satan, God, or anything like that. For example, once I've used a particular razor to cut, I'll cut with it until I feel 'okay' again, then I'll discard that razor. I don't want to even touch it again. It has served its purpose. Now, that doesn't stop me from going and getting another one (I purchased a 100 pack of blades) - but I don't because that self-harming episode is over and I feel okay again.

3. Self-harm usually occurs when we are under a lot of stress and are frustrated.
Sometimes we cut because we want to express frustration but don't want to express it verbally. The cuts then become like little screams, a way to yell, let out that 'pressure', and not have to confront the source of the stress and/or frustration. Sometimes we cut when we feel like we're not being heard or understood. Whatever the reasons, the underlying cause is a great deal of stress and/or frustration.

Okay, so knowing all this, you as the bystander are supposed to do what exactly?

Here are the suggestions:

• Don't look at us like we're crazy. This is an addiction and coping mechanism...just like smoking.
  
• Don't jump to conclusions and assume that we're trying to kill ourselves. Dying a death by a thousand cuts isn't something we're interested in.
  
• Don't panic and try to remove our instruments of choice. That makes us feel like a child and when the next time comes up, we'll find something else to self-harm with. And because we would be self-harming with something less familiar, we risk potential fatal injury.
  
• If we want to talk about it, please - please just listen. Don't try to fix anything.
  
• If possible, help to keep the stress levels down.
• Keep a medical first aid kit handy. Be prepared to take us to the emergency room if the cuts need stitches and be willing to fight with us for humane treatment at the hospital.
  
• Don't crowd...give us some space to regroup.
  
• If we have DID, know that this cutting episode may be triggering or may have been a reaction to a trigger.
• If you see us wearing long-sleeved clothing in the middle of summer, don't make a big deal about it. More than likely, we are trying to hide our scars.
  
• Don't help us if we don't ask for it.
  

Basically, the best action to take is to just 'be' there...follow our lead. We usually find our voices after the self-harm and are able to articulate clearly how we will need your assistance and support.

Crisis

So, I cut today. I needed to see the blood well up and spill over and I didn't quit cutting until it did. The urge was on me heavy and none of the tips I tried from the list I posted earlier worked. I walked the dog and got out of the house. I knitted, I screamed but in the end - I cut.

This is my housemates first time with the urge...Urge...shouldn't it become a proper noun? I think so. I think it has earned that from the number of times it has coaxed and enticed us to self-harm. I had an HUGE, ugly argument/discussion with my ex. We said things we've wanted to say even before I ran away to Australia back in September.

I thought I started blogging to try to help others through my own experiences. Now, I know I started blogging because I needed you...every one of you who has ever visited this blog.

Tips for Significant Others of Multiples

Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder - or any dissociative disorder for that matter - can be HELL! I can only imagine what it must be like for those of you who live with us. Our actions are difficult to understand on the best of days and some times infuriating on other days (I know). For some of you, you've been living with a multiple for years and years and still haven't recognized the signs of it - or been introduced to the multiple's alters. I want to present you with some tips for living with your DID loved one in hopes that these tips might help you to navigate your way through the turbulent storm of DID.

1. Don't take it personal.
I set this one as #1 for a reason - you really cannot take what a multiple may say or do personally. I know this is easier said than done, but please try. You have to understand that while the body may be a certain age, we have young children, babies, inanimate objects, seniors, bee-bop young adults, and teenagers inside of us, and these alters can and do come out and control the body at times. Not all of these alters are pleasant - in fact some are downright mean and destructive. So sometimes you, as the significant other, will get targeted by these alters. I have one who hates everything and everyone and deeply resents the fact that anyone would or could love me.

2. Alters can and do mimic each other.
I'm not sure why this is - but it happens. I'd imagine it is just a game for the alter...to see if she/he can 'fool' the SO (significant other) or those that are around. Get to know some tell-tell indicators for the alters, so that no matter how much they joke around, you'll know with whom you're dealing with.

3. Be vigilant of reckless behavior.
Some people with DID will engage in fast, reckless driving, over-indulgence in alcohol or recreational drugs, gambling, and other general risky behavior. It isn't that we necessarily think we are invincible, it is generally because we simply don't care. Or one (or more) alters in control of the body at the time don't care. I must also say that more than 1 alter can not only behave this way, but also develop addictions because of it. Imagine trying to quit smoking when more than 1 of you is addicted to nicotine. I mean, how do you know if the others want to quit? My SO has alters who come out, smoke his cigarette, then leave. He still wants to have a cigarette himself, so he lights up again. Can you see the difficulty in this?


4. People with DID LOVE to play mind games.

We tend to be extremely secretive and are generally distrusting of others. This is a fact that has nothing at all to do with love or the foundation on which the SO relationship is built upon. We will 'try' the SO and will most often test your love and commitment to us. This is primarily where the mind games come in, but not always. We absolutely HATE to be manipulated and recognize it quickly and will sometimes turn the tables on the manipulator so that they become the manipulated.

5. Be patient when it comes to making love.
Sometimes we act 'weird' with sex and we don't even know why. Sometimes we get triggered (it could be a smell, a touch, a position, a 'look' in the eyes of the SO - anything) and off we go to whatever memory of a past event that got triggered. We might be able to work through it then and there, but sometimes, it might take days, weeks, months (or more) for us to recover. 1 step forward, 20 steps back - but as long as you don't give up on us, I think we'll make it.

6. We need PLENTY of alone time.
So, don't get upset when we take it. If you think about it, we could literally be on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific and not truly be 'alone'. There is an entire group of us there in the 1 system, talking, screaming, crying, and watching. Some people in every day life come home and turn on the TV because they need the background noise. I stay at home all day without one on because I don't want to add anymore to the chaos already going on inside the system.

7. Sometimes, people with DID come off as indecisive.
Most times, we're not really. We're just trying to get a consensus from more than 1 person inside the system. This indecisiveness shows up for me most when deciding about where to eat and what to eat. As the host personality, I tend to mediate most times within the system, but this isn't easy by any stretch of the imagine. YOU try getting more than 3 people to agree on any 1 thing! As the SO, please allow us to change our minds without reprimand and know that in general, we want to please those around us, especially our SO - and when you reprimand us, it hurts so deeply. And please don't take our ability to choose away.

8. We Lie - A LOT.
I don't know if this is rolled into our need for mind games, secrecy or what, but we lie, omit the truth, stretch the truth, hide the truth, make stuff up - whatever you want to call it - we do more than our share of it. I honestly can't even remember all the lies I've told or why I told them. Was it to make myself more interesting? Was it to keep someone out of our business? I do remember lying a few times because I couldn't remember doing what I was accused of having done. I have also lied and said I recognized someone who clearly knew 'me', when I didn't. We hide; we lie. And as the SO - just know this going into a conversation that a DID person may (or may not) be completely forthcoming might be helpful to you. Sometimes, alters come out, drop the lie and leave whoever is out to deal with the fallout. This can be extremely frustrating for everyone concerned. I have personally stood by, watched the body's mouth moving, heard the words coming out, knew what was said were lies and couldn't stop it from happening. I got depressed knowing that eventually, I'd have to come out and try to untangle things.

9. Sometimes - we cheat.
And I don't mean 'lust in our hearts' cheat, either.
This is closely related to the reckless behavior point made earlier. We engage in on-line affairs and real life affairs. Sometimes it is more than one alter engaging in this sorted behavior as well. As the SO, I advise you to please be vigilant. If it looks like a duck, it probably is one...maybe even two or three. Even if the person you married would NEVER do something like cheat - bear in mind that she/he isn't the only one in the system. There are oft times alters of both genders within the system who don't have the same value system as your beloved. She/He may not even be consciously aware of what has occurred. Which brings me back to point #1 - please don't take it personal. If you're willing to work through these issues and stand by us, we will too.

On a personal note, I want to say that because of all of these various behaviors and different alters, I generally hate myself. I don't like the way that 'I' behave at times and I look at the behavior (and myself) with great disdain. I wish it were a matter of improving my impulse control, but it is so much more than that. So, I have taken a personal stand to not do things that would increase my feelings of self-loathing.

I hope these tips have given you, the Significant Other, some insight into our world. If you'd like to add another tip - please do so in the comments and I'll incorporate it into the blog.

FREE EFT World Summit Event

If you will recall, I previously mentioned Emotional Freedom Technique as a resource for relieving symptoms for PTSD and other daily stresses. Nick Ortner is offering a free online event called the EFT World Summit. Nick believes that anyone can 'tap away' anything and he stands by his motto of 'try it on everything'. Here is the info on the Summit. Hope to 'see' you there.

*** *F*R*E*E* Online Event from Nick Ortner ***


Go here to see a video from Nick Ortner, producer of the
Try It On Everything documentary, introducing the EFT World
Summit:
http://www.tryitoneverything.com/cmd.php?Clk=2944704

His original idea was to put on a
live event but I think he realised he could reach more
people online - and could also make it free. :)

Nick has the best EFT gurus on board - Carol Look, Dr.
Patricia Carrington, Brad Yates, Bob Doyle, Carol Tuttle,
16 in all.

Head over and check it out:
http://www.tryitoneverything.com/cmd.php?Clk=2944704

I don't think anyone has ever put together this amount of
EFT material from different experts before, it's 9 days of
online seminars twice a day. I'm really looking forward to
it.

Featured Resource - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

I get so sick and tired of people who know about my DID telling me - in a voice like I have a knife - 'You're safe now. You don't have to do what you do anymore...the dissociation. You're all grown now.' Um... yeah - if there were a switch, I would have turned it off before I lost my damned job and my family! I am constantly looking for different things that I can do to help us not necessarily integrate, but certainly have consistent co-consciousness and to that end, I ran across EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing.

The premise behind EMDR is to have several physical things going on at the same time that cognitive therapy is occurring. Some therapist will have the patient follow their finger as they move it from side to side while continuing on with something similar to exposure therapy - having the patient relive the trauma. This technique has proved to be most effective with those suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

There is some general controversy to using this on DID patients and some of the controversy in using EMDR for those with DID fall in line with the current movement of some mental health professionals to get DID removed from the upcoming DSM-V, and the controversy is this - because of the high hypnotic susceptibility of DID patients, skeptics question whether EMDR practitioners wouldn't involuntarily (or voluntarily) place false memories into the minds of DID patients during the EMDR exercise.

Honestly, I don't know - but I'd be willing to sit and follow a finger like a cat follows a ball dangling from yarn if it meant I'd get better and be able to get back out into society - whole and without the irrational fears that seem to have me paralyzed and so isolated. Now to find a therapist who 1. Acknowledges DID and 2. Practices EMDR and 3. Is willing to use it on a non co-conscience DID patient who looses time like people loose socks in the dryer.

Wish me luck?